All the expectations of my life came from the shows I watched and the books I read. They stayed with me growing up and I often found myself disappointed with reality.
I guess it all started when I was aged 11 starting secondary school. I was very insecure, had low self-esteem, social anxiety and was easily affected by little things. I spent years feeling as though I didn’t fit in despite the fact that I had amazing friends and I was never picked on by other students. I struggled to feel a sense of belonging in life and I developed a defence mechanism of self-exclusion. It was easier like that sometimes but I also felt pretty lonely.
When I think of my life from 11-16, I would describe them as the worst years of my life, a rapid downward spiral. It wasn’t all bad but I’d probably say the bad outweighed the good. I spent so much time being sad and struggling through life.
I used to actually think that I hated myself, I thought I was fat, ugly, that I wasn’t good at anything, that people didn’t like me, that my life would never amount to anything and that I was alone. I felt like my life had gone all wrong. I thought my teenage years would be the best filled with happy memories, yet it was so far from how I expected things to be.
Many times I wondered what it would feel like to escape. I don’t think I’ve ever felt pain like I did in my early teenage years.
The best thing about the hardest time in my life was that I developed a love for writing. That fact alone is enough to make me grateful. From the age of 10 I kept a journal, whilst I was in secondary school my journal became my coping mechanism. What I went through wasn’t something I ever spoke about. Everything I was feeling I wrote it down in my journal because it was too much to keep inside. Writing was the only way I felt comfortable letting out how I truly felt. As I got older I developed a liking for creative writing: short stories, lyrics and poems.
I’ll be posting part 2 tomorrow, thanks for reading!